Cassie Beth :)

Detached

I guess there will always be the part of me that instinctively goes back to writing when times really get tough.

Here I am…in the city i’ve wanted to live in for years now… proudly supporting myself, doing things on my own.
and yet….i feel no better about where i am now than where i was before.
I suppose I should have listened when everyone said the place may change, but the conversations…the bullshit…the loneliness… it just stays it’s constant, same self.

I feel as though i’m cheating myself out of a life of possibilities…but i don’t know how to change. Hell, i don’t even know where i would begin to change things.
I have no direction. No real, accomplishable dreams…no will to change…no desire. I don’t know when i lost all of it…
when i gave up on everything around me AGAIN. but it happened. And it’s been almost a year since i felt this detached  from myself & my surroundings.

I still have no real artistic talent, and no way to pursue anything with what little i have. I have no real way to vent my internally waged-wars, so i simply keep to myself & hope they take their course swiftly, while leaving some little bit of me intact. On top of that…i’m almost afraid that in these wars…i’ve lost almost all of my ability to feel.
nonsense…i know. and perhaps it’s only just my imagination, or my unwillingness to hurt again…
but i do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it’s been almost three months since i legitimately laughed. and longer, still, since a truly heart-felt tear fell from my eyes. and even longer than that since i was actually touched by a human being.
and i don’t mean touched in any sensual or seductive way…
i mean, not a hug, a hand shake, a kiss…not even an accidental brush of a shoulder. it’s amazing what the power of touch can do…or not do.

I wonder if i was meant to wander aimlessly through day & night. If perhaps all of this is just all that there is…and after all, i chose this for myself, didn’t i?
when i chose to leave behind the only comfort i had almost a year ago?
when i ran as far and fast as i could from the things i long for now.
when i gave up on fighting for it over one stupid laugh.
over one quietly stated wish to a practically deaf ear.
One dream, whispered across the planes of knowing & not knowing…and one response that made my heart ache as it never had before.

at least, not until now.

I have fucked up.
I have fucked so much up…
and i have never in my life wanted to turn back time more than i do right now.

I have found regret.
for the first time in my life, i’ve realized, if it’s the only thing i ever regret,
i wish i had never sent him away.
never let him go.
never said such hateful things.
never.
never.
never.

Alive

Today has been a series of Highs & Lows. Unbelievable highs & incredulous lows.
In light of the events, i decided it necissary to just say a little something about how incredibly grateful i truly am to be alive.
Although I hate waking up in this god-forsaken town every day, & I dream every night of the life i hope to lead one day…at least I am here to dream. At least I am here to wake up in the morning.
I am sure i stared death (or at least, crippling pain) in the eyes today. Positive of the fact. And as much as it scares me…these eyes were not cold and lifeless. The remorse was nearly tattoed across his face. Something changed his mind. He had come in with a mission, and it was shown from the start…
I knew exactly what was happening before it ever even began. What had caught my attention? What had made this day so much different from the rest?
I will probably never know.

Aside from.
I have many, many dreams & lately, I am gaining faith that one day, they may become reality. Patience was never my strongest point. I’m more of an instant gratification type of girl. But I am working on my patience, & with it is coming faith. I’m not sure where this road is taking me. Nor am I sure that this will always be my road…
but I believe I am capable of great things. I may not have a clue what they are yet…but great, none-the-less.

yes, of this much I am sure.
my dreams will come true.

three day weekend :)

Today, i’m sitting around wasting hours away… and i realize, it’s been quite some time since i caught up with the tumblr world. As in, almost a year! so after i reset my password and catch up on the posts from ben grant, and read through the nonsense i had posted forever ago…i decide maybe i oughta keep up on this again.
So here i am.
updates, well…you’ll more or less have to catch up.
as for now, i’m enjoying the beginning of my three day weekend :) yes, that’s starting on a wednesday.
gotta love it.

laptop?

happy days :)

now my posts really will be quite frequent, seeing as how i can carry my computer around with me everywhere!

i’m stoked as hell…haha!

anyways…gotta go enjoy the rest of this day off. and my family :)

i’ll probably post again later…

because i can. haha


-Xcass

oh damn…

hahaha. gotta love the holidays…
family war time is the theme of them every year…

here’s hoping that they’re not talked out of leaving,
‘cause then i’d really be sad.


sometimes, certain people confuse me. doing everything they can to keep everyone around pleased.
how can you call that living your life?
i used to do that…
and it sure isn’t living.

it sure isn’t living at all.


ohh, taking it all day by day.
i’ve gotta keep my head up.
gotta remember that even at my worst,
i can keep it together.

i always have before.
i just wish that everyone else could say the same…


-Xcass

so this is what i’ve been reduced to…

Long days, longer nights,
and half smoked cigarettes.

ahh, reality.
here you are.

typical me. don’t get me wrong,
i’m not the type of person to go home and cry myself to sleep and slit my wrists and take a bunch of pills to make the world go away.

But i was once.


used to, when i was feeling like this…
that’s exactly what i’d do. but i like to think i’ve grown since then. become much wiser.
except i guess i still haven’t found a way to get rid of issues that works as well as the old methods.

maybe that’s what i’m searching for?
a way to move on. get through the hard times,
even though a part of me says i haven’t seen the worst of it yet.

all in all, i think that scares me more than anything in the world right now. I’m positive i haven’t seen the worst of it,
and there’s so much bad in my life, it’s hard to pick out the moments of pure perfection.


down to the last partial.
good god.
it really isn’t going to get better tonight.

perhaps tomorrow…it’s a new day, after all. and with a new day comes new opportunities.
i guess i just hope that each day is one day closer to closure.
i still don’t know where i’ll find it. or if i ever will.


but, maybe…


maybe today.



but i doubt it.
-Xcass

well, i suppose…

that while i’m at this whole…wasting time thing, i might as well do something productive.
i mean, hell. everyone knows how i love to waste my time telling people about my obnoxiously boring life. so why not start a real blog? not a myspace blog, where i get all bullshit on everyone, but just a day to day account of my life.

today’s accomplishments:
-got slapped in the face with the bite-ey hand.
-nearly froze to death
-had a scooter adventure at target without knowing it was going to happen.
-figured out what makes michael sit still

if anything, my job at the ministries just makes me entirely grateful for the fact that i can wipe for myself.

thank god for the simple pleasures in life.

-Xcass